Escaping Into a Relationship Rather Than Choosing One Makes a Difference Between Failure and Success

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If you are one of those who - after a breakup - immediately jump right into a new relationship, it means that you are being driven by needs and fears which control you. It is only when you become aware of them that you can de-activate the power they exert over you, find a partner and stay in a healthy and a satisfying relationship.

Which fears and needs might harm your relationships?

* Fear of being alone;
* Fear of being worthless;
* Need to feel perpetually loved;
* Need to feel self-worth, believing that not having a partner indicates something is wrong with you;

These needs and fears often intermingle with one another.

Escaping into a relationship vs. choosing one

Running away from feeling alone might drive you to escape into a new relationship. When this is the case, it is quite likely that it is not you who chooses a partner, but someone approaches you and you succumb to his/her initiation - regardless of whether he/she is the right partner for you or not. Jumping/escaping too quickly into a new relationship might be harmful to your self-esteem and the relationship as well. After the initial "high" about having a new partner, you might quickly experience a broken relationship once again - which will inevitable intensify your fears and needs even more.

Karen's escape: a typical example

A week after she ended her relationship with Barry, Karen went to a small movie theater near her home. She sat down and began scanning the crowd coming in, some of them couples, some of them alone. She didn't like going to the movies alone, but felt that this small movie theater wasn't like most others. It was cozy, and close to her place. And anyhow, it was better to see a movie than to sit alone at home. She also thought that there was a good chance of finding a new partner from among the people who came there.

On the way out of the movie, a guy going down the stairs struck up a conversation with her. Karen was drawn into the conversation and agreed to go with him to a nearby café. After all, what did she have to do alone at home?

The time flew by during their conversation and he suggested that they meet again the next day. Karen went home happy: She isn't alone anymore!

Explanation

The fears and needs which exert power over Karen drive her to believe that she can find a new partner very easily. But, lacking self-awareness, she isn't observing herself and doesn't notice that she's not choosing a new relationship but rather escaping into one.

When you are tempted to get quickly into a new relationship with whoever shows interest in you, you do so not out of your own choice but rather as a means to escape being alone: you feel delighted that someone else initiates, knowing that you are pursued. It makes you feel good: you are right after a breakup, feeling lonely and miserable; you might be afraid that no one will ever want you again and that you will stay alone ("for ever"). And then - suddenly someone is interested in you; someone is pursuing you! Once again you feel loved, valued and primarily not alone (sometimes you even jump at the chance to "prove" - not just to yourself, but to your previous partner - that you are desirable)!

When you are busy escaping your fears you can't focus on building a truly intimate relationship

The problem is that when you escape into a new relationship out of fears and needs, you become easy prey for those who make a pass at you. It's reasonable to assume that such a relationship will not last long, and that once again you will find yourself alone, feeling unloved and worthless - at times even more so than before.

Choosing a partner empowers you

Becoming aware of your fears and needs and taking the steps to free yourself from the power they exert over you will enable you to take the time to choose your partners rather than jumping to be with whoever shows interest in you. This will empower you to "stand on your feet" and make the best out of the relationship.