Why Do People Resist Change in Relationships?

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1. Why do people often resist change?

99% of people resist change when the pain or perceived pain of changing exceeds the perceive or real pleasure of staying put. That's the human condition. Motivated by two things - Seek Pleasure - Avoid Pain. Simple as that.

And that's the way it is meant to be. Nature has, however, a trick up her sleeve. Eventually the Pain of Staying (not changing) becomes huge and the pleasure of changing starts to increase, and then, there's growth.

Take a guy who won't stop worrying about stuff. As a friend you say to him, "Buddy, why don't you change your approach to things?" but he's determined to worry, and although he complains about the side effects of it, you perceive that something keeps him glued to his process. He's somehow gaining a pleasure from it.

Now it's important to know that people gain pleasure in the strangest of ways. Take a woman who flirts with her boss, then gets caught by her own guilt and flings the responsibility of it back on her boss in a sexual harassment case (such as in Sydney Australia at the present time). Pleasure turned to pain, in the blink of an eye we can go from defining a situation as pleasure to pain or pain to pleasure. It's fickle and dangerous territory.

In organisational change there's a little known fact that I'd love to share. When a significant change in company culture takes place at least 50% of the existing staff will resist, and of those 25-30% will - no must - not be working for the company in the new culture. Organisational change that attempts to "get everyone on board" basically sabotages the very change they aim for.

2. What's the difference between change and growth?

Not a lot really. Growth however is little bits of change happening progressively on a day to day basis. It comes from a healthy balance of support and challenge. However, where harmony, peace and good emotional upside communication are prefered, growth will be protracted and subsequently change will come as a catch-up for lost growth. Motivation - or the seeking of pleasure or avoiding of pain must, by it's very definition lead to change and does avoid growth. inspiration is what is required for growth. Inspiration is where "no matter whether it's painful or pleasureful - I persue my vision and purpose."

3. What is the one thing that stays constant in the whole universe?

The one thing that stays constant in the whole universe is change - (or growth if it's incrimental). A star exploding, a tsunami, an earth quake, a forest fire, a flood, or even the ozone layer - are natural changes - Nature is always evolving. Many people don't understand this. For example; Save the Whales - they don't want the specie to become extinct - which is, in the long term, ridiculous telling nature how to evolve the planet. It's big ideas in little heads. And there are many other such examples.

4. When do people not resist change and how can you help people through change?

If I win, I change. If I don't win, I don't change. A motivated person must see pleasure in the result of change. Now, 50% of all resistance to change is in the subconscious mind and that little devil has a mind of its own. It drives a huge amount of emotional reaction, it drives choices in relationships and it drives spending economies. People don't even know they are thinking those subliminal thoughts, but their actions are highly driven by it. (See the book BLINK).

So, we might list two columns about change for an individual. Left side benefits (pleasures) and right side drawbacks (Pain). and ask the person to list benefits of change until the columns seem highly out of balance, very positive about the change, but still there's resistance. Why?

Because 50% of their real resistance, the pleasure in staying put, and the pain in moving forward is not conscious. It's in the subconscious, and for those people who don't meditate or know themselves well, this subconscious is just that, below consciousness.

So, most resistance, most deep resistance to change is in the subconscious. What do we do about that?

• Therapy:delve into those hidden stories and beliefs that underpin 50% of our emotions and choices.
• Meditation - observation - allow the subconscious to become more transparent
• Alcohol, drugs, sex and greed - block the subconscious and pretend it just doesn't exist
• Superiority - always look - search for the balance in any situation and rise above emotion and hidden thoughts
• Process - Flush out the subconscious (means evolve) by conscious observation and process

Whatever the process, we are limited in our capacity to change and adapt to life by the degree of self-awareness we have. For the majority of people, self-awareness is about the mastery of the conscious mind, the self we know, but in the deeper reality, that's only the surface. Getting to know ourselves on the sub-conscious plane is where the real inspiration and enlightenment comes from. In other words "as above (conscious world we know) so below (the unconscious world most people don't know).

"Knowledge leads to confusion, if it doesn't explore the subconscious by challenging us to question what we think and why."